[Wither hath the wind beneath mine wings gone?]
I’m starting to regret that I started “Captain’s Blog,” (for the most part because it’s flight pattern has taken on a rather negative vibe. I don’t like that it’s starting to sound more like “The Chronicles of an Emo.”) yet I’m also too stubborn to trash the whole kit and caboodle or stop blogging the details of this cautious tale. (Something like that.) I said I was going to be me, so I’m not gonna lie. I won’t cherry coat things either. Sometimes you just wake up feeling the pits. (This is why you don’t eat in bed. *Ba dum* These are the jokes people.)
Actually, I don’t know if I woke up feeling the pits or if I stressed myself out, and set off an anxiety response. But by the time we got to church yesterday I wasn’t feeling so hot. The anxiety had started to subside but I was left with a total lack of joy. I’m not a grey person. That’s not me. It doesn’t feel like me, and I don’t like it one bit. I especially don’t want it to take a hold of me out in public. Of course I try to hide it, but it’s difficult. I’m not an actress. I feel of no use to anyone when I hit these emotional storms, and I don’t want to be anyone’s wet blanket. So, it’s a tug-o-war between how I’m feeling and the person I am–and want people to see.
It had been some time since we’d managed to get ourselves to church, (health issues) so It was long overdue. Yesterday was a rough one though in the sense that I was not feeling the joy. We both went up for prayer, and the dam burst. Yep–tears. As we stood up at the front of the church Pastor Mark was singing “Come to the Altar.” and for whatever reason that song hit me square in the heart. I hate crying in public. I guess I still have some insecurities about being vulnerable. Yet it was nice to be prayed for, and it’s always nice to hear someone say “I’ll continue to pray for you.”
Praying is something that I’ve been doing a lot of lately. Once upon a time I assumed prayer just wasn’t my thing, and that it wasn’t a skill I’d acquired. (Silly right? I complicate things. I overthink things too).
God wants to hear it all. I struggle with that. I put a lot of pressure on myself to be strong, forgetting that He’s my strength. He wants to be my strength–and anything else that I need. I’ve been asking for a lot. I thought I’d feel greedy or needy, but I don’t. Well, it helps that He was the One who nudged me to ask. It’s difficult to feel like you’re asking for too much, when your Father in heaven is telling you to do so. His blessings don’t run dry, so it’s not as if I’m taking someone else’s share, and it’s not as if my needs are all that I ask Him to meet.
I’m learning a lot about prayer, and something that once (sadly) felt like a chore, I’m finding I need and want all the more. Some things may start with difficulty, but then one day you glance back and think ‘whatever was I thinking?’ Not only does the difficult become second nature, but it becomes something you don’t want to live without. (In this case prayer. I need that constant communication).
This juncture we’ve come to is the part of the journey I dread. I like to think I’ve made some progress, but then I have a day like yesterday and I feel like nothing’s changed. Deep down I’m still the same. (Okay maybe that’s not entirely true, or fair. Be nice, be gentle…yes I’m chiding myself. “Me” and “Myself” are talking this one through. I’m sure “I” will make her appearance too.) God–well He gets a word in edgewise as well, and I appreciate that. As for the devil, he gets his jabs in from time to time, but I can usually ignore him.
Okay, so let me attempt this again. I’ve made some progress, but some things haven’t entirely changed. (Better? A lil’ bit.) Trusting God is something I apparently haven’t mastered as I assumed I had. (Go figure.) Apparently it takes a major change and shift in the wind for me to see this. Trust was a significant part of yesterday’s message, so it was mentioned that trusting God is a process. I’m starting to get this. Like anything else (even forgiveness) it takes time to learn. It also takes seeking God and asking Him to help us with those things that we need that help with. So I’ve found myself praying things like, “help me to believe more” and “help me to trust more”.
Though trusting God was the essence of yesterday’s sermon (A theme that is continually at the helm of my lessons right now), worry was the forefront, and how it steals our joy. I’m not really a worrier as a lifestyle, but I do hit rough patches (like now) where I need those reminders.
The tears resurfaced some again when the verse that I’d framed for Andrew was mentioned, and Andrew gave me a nudge, as well as an appreciative smile.
“Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable–if anything is excellent or praiseworthy–think about such things.” –Philippians 4:8
Andrew has a tendency to lose sight of those lovely and praiseworthy things far more often than I do. So that verse is my reminder to him not to get stuck there. (Apparently we were both receiving that reminder yesterday, as well as a bit of encouragement that my own efforts of encouragement don’t always fall as flat as I tend to assume they do). God is good. He’s always good. Bad weather can’t change that, in fact bad weather even gives God the opportunity to prove Himself strong on our behalf.
I just recently finished reading through “Beyond Jabez -Expanding your Borders” by Bruce Wilkinson (An excellent read by the way–very uplifting and motivational.) I’m reading through it a second time with Andrew, and crying my way through it as I read allowed how God’s been proving Himself strong for others in their need. This is so important. We need to remember all that God has done and is doing. “Beyond Jabez” isn’t the only book that contains some of these stories. The Bible is full of this encouragement–we just have to pick it up and read.
So, I’m holding onto the verse below, and continuing to learn to trust God, as I wait to see just what it is that He’s going to do on our behalf.
“For the eyes of the Lord run to and fro throughout the whole earth, to show Himself strong on behalf of those whose hearts are loyal to Him.” –2 Chronicles 16:9
Next post in this series—> Seeking the Light
Next post in this series—> Seeking the Light
If you’re interested in reading more from this series, all entries can be found here:
And the first entry can be found here: