[And my God will meet all of your needs]
“Lord even when these wings are tattered
From the storms that have battered
And the winds that have blown
I pray even then that I’ll hold to the truth
For I know that You’ve said
That You won’t let me go.”
September 5, 2009
When I originally wrote this poem, little did I know that I’d be quoting myself, but because I was feeling so worn, these tattered wings were on my mind once again. So I rifled through my poetry. (The full poem can be found here.)
I didn’t know that reading this poem would bring me comfort, but it did. It certainly didn’t occur to me that I’d be reliving this feeling again, but suddenly I found myself feeling like I’d come in for a crash landing. However, hope always rises.
I haven’t been doing so great; new medication seemed to be going well–that is, until it wasn’t going so well anymore. Now, I really don’t know what’s next. I’m decreasing my medication and waiting–hoping and praying to feel like myself again soon, (or even better than the norm might be nice too.)
Last week Andrew and I decided we could no longer manage our business anymore. We’ve held onto it for as long as we could. (I was probably the one holding onto it the tightest.) Slowly but surely, though, it’s become a struggle to meet our monthly quota.
Andrew’s health had also taken a turn for the worst, making getting out of the house even more of a challenge for both of us. These last three months we’ve been unable to produce a single thing. Putting off our very patient customer was becoming stressful in and of itself. So we finally conceded that holding onto our business just wasn’t working anymore.
Part of me was almost relieved (almost), but the following day reality set in and the shock of letting it go hit me like a ton of bricks.
I kind of panicked and then I quickly became depressed and headed under covers. I suddenly felt as if everything was up in the air. How is this good!? I thought. God’s good—-I believe this, but how is this going to be good!?
Without notice, I felt as if I had absolutely no control over anything. (Surprise! I never truly had that control, so why is now any different, right?)
Letting Go and Trusting God to Lead Can Be Difficult
It’s the control–or rather the feeling of some sort of control–that keeps us tied to the things we need to give up.
On Friday I didn’t handle the day well. I crawled back into bed, only coming up for a brief moment of air to make something to eat. Our two kitties snuggled up next to me in bed and kept me company as I tried to sleep off my grey mood.
Andrew checked in on me from time to time as well, telling me a tale or two about this and that. When I was finally ready to voice my feelings he listened, and then he spoke to my insecurities.
My insecurities didn’t initially want to listen. They stubbornly wanted to hold onto the truth as they saw things.
My comfort zone was being upset. It’s easy to trust God when you’re comfortable, but not so much when the “unknown” is glaring you straight in the eye again.
The thing is, I know me; I know this panic is nearly always how I respond to change, especially a major change, even if it will eventually pan out to be a good thing.
Today has been a gorgeous warm sunny day. Thankfully, I felt well enough to take a walk around our neighborhood.
I saw “my” eagle! This will need some future splainin’. I’m borrowing a “flight” buddie’s “splainin’” because it’s the simple things that make me smile.
I thanked the Lord for the sunshine, as well as “my” eagle. I felt energized again, and hopeful. Nearing the end of my walk I sighted three more eagles soaring the skies so free and energized themselves. My heavenly Father never fails to remind me that I’m not alone. I’m so thankful for the company.
Oh, and Andrew—he’s happy. (lol) He apparently handles change a whole lot differently than I do. I guess we have different insecurities. He wasn’t happy to see me go under covers, but he’s seen it before. He knows I’ll bounce back. Why? Because I know my Jesus. In the end I always remember what I knew when I originally wrote that poem. (He won’t let me go.) As singer song writer, Alisa Turner, puts it—not even now.
So why should I let fear steal my joy?
Not when I know the Answer.
“And my God will meet all your needs according to the riches of his glory in Christ Jesus.” –Phillipians 4:19
Next in this series —>Weather Conditions